Today I have a mixed amalgam of emotions to share.
I've posted before about how I moved back to my hometown to live with my parents. That alone is difficult. Last week, my father told me I didn't need to live here. That hurt. Maybe I hurt him when I told him I was in a shitty place, but I meant emotionally. Everything I've been going through is difficult. Everything is a challenge and I'm wondering when my breaking point is going to be. But my own father told me I didn't need to live here. Y'know, I don't believe there's a single person on this earth who can empathize with what I'm currently going through. One friend told me he could empathize but not sympathize. I think he has them backwards. He has a lot of things he's currently dealing with, but none of them quite match up to what I'm going through.
I went to my cousin's bridal shower yesterday. That stung. A lot. Because I'm divorced. Because I have little hope of finding love like that again. Because my ex-husband is newly engaged. Because I wish I had that type of love again... And because of everything else I'm currently dealing with. I'm very happy for my cousin. I wish her all the very best. I welcomed her fiancé into the family. I made them personalized stationery. Although they have similar problems my marriage did, I want them to succeed so badly. But there were other little things that hurt about yesterday. My mom admitted to me that it wasn't the first time my father had said I don't need to live here. My other cousin stopped her responsibilities at the shower and my gift got overlooked so I don't know how she reacted when she opened it. My grandma confessed that she didn't know I had gotten married, that I was divorced and that I lived on the Iowa/Illinois border for 18 months. Yesterday was a day for a lot of depressing emotions.
Today I got to act as my sister's personal chauffeur. Seeing as she has a three week old baby girl, she's not allowed to drive. I jumped at the chance to take them out when she wanted to go to her work because I had high hopes that there would be eligible bachelors I could meet. Sadly none of them showed up to work today. But being there, with her and watching all of the people she knew dote upon her and my niece also really stung. And then we went to her husband's work. And more of that ensued. Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy for them. I couldn't be more happy. But this is what I'm talking about. I was at that point two years and a few months ago. But none of it was right for me because of who I was with. I'm jealous I guess. I was married first; I should have been having babies first. But it didn't happen that way. And I want to be married with a family so badly. It's sort of why my last two relationships were men who had children. It was the built in family. Let's not go into how much that failed on both accounts...
And now, it's nearly midnight on Sunday as I'm typing this. I found out earlier today that my best friend's grandpa passed away yesterday. I haven't seen my best friend in two weeks because he and I have both been so busy, but not for lack of trying on my part. I miss hanging out with him. I don't know how to tell him, but I want him to know that I will always be there for him. The best part about our friendship is that we hadn't seen each other in 8 years and we picked up as though it had been yesterday. We've known each other for 16 years and I don't know what I would do without him. He's been flooding my thoughts, day and night and I really do care very much about him. I wish he knew how much he truly means to me. His grandfather's passing reminds me to cherish every moment. To love deeply and to share love with others. Maybe I had better say something to him before I miss my opportunity...
Wish this Little Bird luck...
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
Tick Tock Time
Background: I graduated from high school 9 years ago. I moved two hours away and went to University. During the summers, I worked in a different state. Nearing the end of my college career, I met my husband and we moved in together and I got a job for a magazine. Following my divorce, I found a new job two more states away and left again. 9 years later (and 16 moves later), I'm living with my parents again.
So I've been away from my parents for 9 years. I haven't had anyone telling me what to do or any outside rules for 9 years. I've cooked food for myself in 16 different places and haven't had to schedule time in the bathroom or for laundry in 16 different places.
Imagine being that independent for so long and not having to rely on anyone for a roof over my head. So I've been forced to move back in with my parents. And I'm near miserable. I don't know what I'm going to do the next two days since I have the days off. My dad keeps making weird jokes, telling weird stories, assuming I know things about crap I don't care about, mentioning things in a conversation that have nothing to do with what's going on or what we're talking about. And ever since I moved back 4 weeks ago, I've felt like he doesn't want me here.
I've got all these internal clocks going off. Especially since my divorce. Here goes:
So I've been away from my parents for 9 years. I haven't had anyone telling me what to do or any outside rules for 9 years. I've cooked food for myself in 16 different places and haven't had to schedule time in the bathroom or for laundry in 16 different places.
Imagine being that independent for so long and not having to rely on anyone for a roof over my head. So I've been forced to move back in with my parents. And I'm near miserable. I don't know what I'm going to do the next two days since I have the days off. My dad keeps making weird jokes, telling weird stories, assuming I know things about crap I don't care about, mentioning things in a conversation that have nothing to do with what's going on or what we're talking about. And ever since I moved back 4 weeks ago, I've felt like he doesn't want me here.
I've got all these internal clocks going off. Especially since my divorce. Here goes:
- Becoming financially stable
- Saving extra money
- Moving into my own apartment (or possibly with a roommate; still considering that)
- Finding a husband
- Starting a family
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Dinner for One
There is a challenge in cooking for two, or four or even four hundred. There's a bigger challenge in cooking for one. I've never been good at it; I often make too much and then I don't eat the leftovers. A challenge I've put upon myself is to cook dinner for me and my parents once a week. And I've been experimenting...that's the most fun part! Yes, while I'm cooking for three, I'm trying to find ways that I can incorporate this while I'm living on my own again. Currently, I'm not seeing anyone and I have found that I need to be able to support myself alone again. Working on it...
So! Want to know what I made and how I made it? Yum...Let's go!
Late last night I was thinking about what I hoped to make tonight and I asked Mom to pick up some tortilla chips, taco sauce and ground beef. I planned to do a mac and cheese bake with the taco meat on a layer of crumbled tortilla chips with more crumbled chips on top. When I got home from work, she was at her Sorority meeting and my dad was no where to be found. I called my dad to find out if he was coming home and got his voicemail. Would it be dinner for one again? I found the groceries on the table, only I couldn't find the taco sauce. Would it matter if my dad came home? A thousand thoughts flooded my mind as to whether I should give up (I was exhausted, I could have gone to bed right when I got home) or whether I should check what was in the pantries and cupboards to make a new recipe on the fly.
I looked through about seven cabinets, plus the fridge and finally decided on a couple of things. I still wasn't sure if he was coming home, and I didn't have the white rice I wanted to make, so I called my sister (I wanted Sweet & Sour sauce too because I wanted to make a variation on Chinese Sweet & Sour Chicken) and stopped at her place to get some rice. Sadly, she didn't have any Sweet & Sour sauce, but I found Wildtree's Wicked Slow Cooker sauce in the cabinet earlier and was going to give that a shot.
I had two breasts of chicken in the fridge, a can of green beans, the white rice from my sister, a bag of Shake & Bake and that Slow Cooker sauce. I made the green beans and the rice while I poked holes in my chicken and dipped it in the sauce before breading it in the Shake & Bake.
Bake, boil and butter later, I had this:
I didn't bother to take a photo of my dad's plate after I plated the meals because he eats such small portions, so this is mine. I was in a food coma after this. Dad even loved it. Which I was impressed with - finally something good about me coming out of his mouth...
I thought I overdid the green beans and the rice. But that's ok, there's always next time. Although the sauce was recommended for pork in the slow cooker, this as a quick marinade turned out great. The chicken was so juicy and tender that I about died. So good...
Check back later for my other recipes. I have to pick up last week's and then there are two more I made too. I might even add a page for it.
Loves,
Cooking Bird
So! Want to know what I made and how I made it? Yum...Let's go!
Late last night I was thinking about what I hoped to make tonight and I asked Mom to pick up some tortilla chips, taco sauce and ground beef. I planned to do a mac and cheese bake with the taco meat on a layer of crumbled tortilla chips with more crumbled chips on top. When I got home from work, she was at her Sorority meeting and my dad was no where to be found. I called my dad to find out if he was coming home and got his voicemail. Would it be dinner for one again? I found the groceries on the table, only I couldn't find the taco sauce. Would it matter if my dad came home? A thousand thoughts flooded my mind as to whether I should give up (I was exhausted, I could have gone to bed right when I got home) or whether I should check what was in the pantries and cupboards to make a new recipe on the fly.
I looked through about seven cabinets, plus the fridge and finally decided on a couple of things. I still wasn't sure if he was coming home, and I didn't have the white rice I wanted to make, so I called my sister (I wanted Sweet & Sour sauce too because I wanted to make a variation on Chinese Sweet & Sour Chicken) and stopped at her place to get some rice. Sadly, she didn't have any Sweet & Sour sauce, but I found Wildtree's Wicked Slow Cooker sauce in the cabinet earlier and was going to give that a shot.
I had two breasts of chicken in the fridge, a can of green beans, the white rice from my sister, a bag of Shake & Bake and that Slow Cooker sauce. I made the green beans and the rice while I poked holes in my chicken and dipped it in the sauce before breading it in the Shake & Bake.
Bake, boil and butter later, I had this:
I thought I overdid the green beans and the rice. But that's ok, there's always next time. Although the sauce was recommended for pork in the slow cooker, this as a quick marinade turned out great. The chicken was so juicy and tender that I about died. So good...
Check back later for my other recipes. I have to pick up last week's and then there are two more I made too. I might even add a page for it.
Loves,
Cooking Bird
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Newborn Bird
This is not my first blog. This is not my first journal entry.
This is the first time for me for a lot of things, however. I haven't "blogged" in a very long while. This is my attempt to start anew. The theme is a little cheesy right now, I know, but bear with me. I'm starting a new chapter (of many) and I'm trying to start fresh. This is going to be good for me.
Three weeks and four or five days ago, I moved far away from where I called home. I moved back home with my parents. I'm close to thirty. It doesn't feel great, as most things don't when you've lived on your own for 9 years and have been going through a lot of changes. So I'm dealing with it. I'm dealing with an evil cat who thinks the house is hers. I spent a week searching for jobs and found one and today was my first day. For the last three weeks and four or five days, I've been spending time catching up with old friends, helping out my sister and her husband with their new bundle of joy, and becoming friends with my mom.
So I'm in a place I once called "home." And until recently, I could only call it "the destination." But there are a fair amount of things that are helping with that. I've seen four of my own friends, and several of my sister's since I've been back. The time with my friends has been the most cherished and most valued. It showed me a lot of what I had been missing. And I'm so grateful to have them back in my life. Another major change for me is the relationship I'm building with my mom. Before, I was always "Daddy's Little Girl" and my mom and I never really got along. But now, it seems so different. She's more like a friend and a confidant than she is my mother. Don't get me wrong, I don't share everything with her, but I can definitely talk to her more comfortably than I used to. My dad and I are a completely different story. His cat ranks higher in the family than I do now that I'm home.
And today I started my new job. The first full week I was back I put out about 30 applications. I averaged five or six apps a day, which was awesome. And I got a really great job, in a field where I can enhance my hobby of graphic design. It was a very busy day! I learned a ton of new things and I think I'm going to get the hang of things rather quickly. I'm really excited for it. Full time, great benefits, how could I complain?
Wednesday is my turn to make family dinner, and I've got a new recipe up my sleeve for tomorrow. Look for a post tomorrow of how everything turned out. :) I'll also post photos and notes of previous dinners I've made just so you can see how I've dabbled. Plus, maybe I'll give you a little more insight on the special people in my life and what it's like coming back not knowing what to expect. ;)
Kisses, New Bird
This is the first time for me for a lot of things, however. I haven't "blogged" in a very long while. This is my attempt to start anew. The theme is a little cheesy right now, I know, but bear with me. I'm starting a new chapter (of many) and I'm trying to start fresh. This is going to be good for me.
Three weeks and four or five days ago, I moved far away from where I called home. I moved back home with my parents. I'm close to thirty. It doesn't feel great, as most things don't when you've lived on your own for 9 years and have been going through a lot of changes. So I'm dealing with it. I'm dealing with an evil cat who thinks the house is hers. I spent a week searching for jobs and found one and today was my first day. For the last three weeks and four or five days, I've been spending time catching up with old friends, helping out my sister and her husband with their new bundle of joy, and becoming friends with my mom.
So I'm in a place I once called "home." And until recently, I could only call it "the destination." But there are a fair amount of things that are helping with that. I've seen four of my own friends, and several of my sister's since I've been back. The time with my friends has been the most cherished and most valued. It showed me a lot of what I had been missing. And I'm so grateful to have them back in my life. Another major change for me is the relationship I'm building with my mom. Before, I was always "Daddy's Little Girl" and my mom and I never really got along. But now, it seems so different. She's more like a friend and a confidant than she is my mother. Don't get me wrong, I don't share everything with her, but I can definitely talk to her more comfortably than I used to. My dad and I are a completely different story. His cat ranks higher in the family than I do now that I'm home.
And today I started my new job. The first full week I was back I put out about 30 applications. I averaged five or six apps a day, which was awesome. And I got a really great job, in a field where I can enhance my hobby of graphic design. It was a very busy day! I learned a ton of new things and I think I'm going to get the hang of things rather quickly. I'm really excited for it. Full time, great benefits, how could I complain?
Wednesday is my turn to make family dinner, and I've got a new recipe up my sleeve for tomorrow. Look for a post tomorrow of how everything turned out. :) I'll also post photos and notes of previous dinners I've made just so you can see how I've dabbled. Plus, maybe I'll give you a little more insight on the special people in my life and what it's like coming back not knowing what to expect. ;)
Kisses, New Bird
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