Overwhelming

Earlier this week, my mom asked me if I could help her babysit my niece today. I responded that it shouldn't be a problem. And yet this morning has come and I woke up late, after having had weird dreams (that I don't remember this time), with little to no motivation. I didn't feel depressed. I didn't feel unhappy. I guess I just didn't feel...

And so, I walked downstairs to be with my family to see my dad crouched over my niece playing with her. My mom was standing watching. And I couldn't contain myself. I just wanted to cry. I went to go back upstairs because I had forgotten my phone and laptop and wanted them handy. My mom stopped me on the stairs and started asking me questions about some work pants I needed.

I held back my tears, dried what little had already left my eyes, finished the conversation and went back upstairs. I returned downstairs and pulled up the website on my mom's computer when my niece started sort of crying, so my dad did a pass off to my mom. My dad asked for a hug and told me he loved me. I was still trying to fight back tears. Not because my dad and I were having a touching moment; he and I don't have touching moments.

He asked me if everything was going well at work and in my life. I said everything was fine. He said, "Hey!" and stopped me again to ask me the same question. I repeated that everything was fine. And still he stopped me again to ask how everything was going. I told him that I was fine and I didn't need him asking three effing times.

A week ago he was so happy with how transparent I've been while living at home. Now he's super concerned about my well being. I don't belong here. I just feel so trapped.

It's snowing outside. I want to be festive. I want to be in the Christmas spirit. I want to be happy, but I can't stop my face from leaking. It's like nothing is right, right now. I don't think it ever will be.