Overwhelming

Earlier this week, my mom asked me if I could help her babysit my niece today. I responded that it shouldn't be a problem. And yet this morning has come and I woke up late, after having had weird dreams (that I don't remember this time), with little to no motivation. I didn't feel depressed. I didn't feel unhappy. I guess I just didn't feel...

And so, I walked downstairs to be with my family to see my dad crouched over my niece playing with her. My mom was standing watching. And I couldn't contain myself. I just wanted to cry. I went to go back upstairs because I had forgotten my phone and laptop and wanted them handy. My mom stopped me on the stairs and started asking me questions about some work pants I needed.

I held back my tears, dried what little had already left my eyes, finished the conversation and went back upstairs. I returned downstairs and pulled up the website on my mom's computer when my niece started sort of crying, so my dad did a pass off to my mom. My dad asked for a hug and told me he loved me. I was still trying to fight back tears. Not because my dad and I were having a touching moment; he and I don't have touching moments.

He asked me if everything was going well at work and in my life. I said everything was fine. He said, "Hey!" and stopped me again to ask me the same question. I repeated that everything was fine. And still he stopped me again to ask how everything was going. I told him that I was fine and I didn't need him asking three effing times.

A week ago he was so happy with how transparent I've been while living at home. Now he's super concerned about my well being. I don't belong here. I just feel so trapped.

It's snowing outside. I want to be festive. I want to be in the Christmas spirit. I want to be happy, but I can't stop my face from leaking. It's like nothing is right, right now. I don't think it ever will be.

Unexpected Rain

It was raining from my eyes unexpectedly tonight.

My mom and I were talking about the holidays and what we were getting for my sister and her husband. I opened the door to my room and told her I hoped she hadn't bought me anything above and beyond the sweaters we had picked out together. She sort of hesitated, but said no. And then she asked why.

"Because I don't really want anything else." I replied.

And then I closed my door and said, "I just want to be happy," at which point I also started crying.

I don't know why... Stage one of depression, I suppose.

Not to mention someone at work noticed and said, "Hey, what's wrong? You're not your usual bubbly self today." Hate to break it kids, but I'm not always bubbly. I've got so much baggage, so many skeletons in my closet that I don't always have the strength to be happy all the time.

At this very moment, all I have going for me is this last chocolate chip coconut cookie...

Don't Want to be Lonely. Or Blue. Or Green...

So I realize it's been nearly two weeks since I've posted and a lot has happened although it doesn't seem like much. Today, though, I find myself sitting home alone, wanting to contact a friend, wanting to go out, just longing for some better type of human connection... Because for some reason I feel so alone. And I shouldn't. Here's why:

Two weekends ago, I visited a friend in Chicago. It was a long drive for me, but I made it after work and I had a great time. We talked, we hung out, we went drinking. I went to his comedy show. All in all it was a great weekend. And he still wants me to continue visiting. He wants me to move out there, even! I would love to, but I don't know where my next path is supposed to take me...

Following that, I ran into a friend who has been in another state for the last month. He texted me late one night desperate to talk to me and find a time we could get together. I was baffled by this eagerness and need for me. We had only hung out one other time since I moved back and it was fun, but I didn't think I had made any kind of real impression. After having dinner a couple more times and hanging out though, he's acting like he can't live without me. As though every moment away from me is a missed opportunity...

Finally, a friend I haven't seen in 14 years and who I hadn't hung out with very much when we were kids contacted me to get together. We have hung out so often and with so many people and have so many more dates planned that I can't even begin to explain how excited I am! I enjoy his company and I enjoy hanging out with his friends and even the day we watched sports with his mom and her boyfriend. Just such fun times...

Yet here I am again, alone. It's not as though I haven't tried to hang out with these friends again. I know I will see them later this week, or next month. My problem is that emotionally I feel alone. And I have to be honest with myself. I don't see a romantic future with any of these men. And I know that's what each of them want. I don't know if I'm being stubborn and holding out for a certain special someone, or if I'm just being stubborn about being with anyone.

I went to a wedding on Friday. It was the worst experience I've had since I moved back. I hated it. I was late, which didn't raise my spirits any. Everyone was doting upon my niece and my cousin's two little ones. And the bride was gorgeous. She and her groom are so happy. And I was miserable. I am miserable. Everyone surrounding me are enjoying the things that I really want. And I'm every shade of green possible.

I don't want... I've just realized that I don't want anything. I can't keep living this life I'm living right now. I'm sick with nausea about what I'm doing with my life. I am so depressed and I can't keep doing this...