Overwhelming

Earlier this week, my mom asked me if I could help her babysit my niece today. I responded that it shouldn't be a problem. And yet this morning has come and I woke up late, after having had weird dreams (that I don't remember this time), with little to no motivation. I didn't feel depressed. I didn't feel unhappy. I guess I just didn't feel...

And so, I walked downstairs to be with my family to see my dad crouched over my niece playing with her. My mom was standing watching. And I couldn't contain myself. I just wanted to cry. I went to go back upstairs because I had forgotten my phone and laptop and wanted them handy. My mom stopped me on the stairs and started asking me questions about some work pants I needed.

I held back my tears, dried what little had already left my eyes, finished the conversation and went back upstairs. I returned downstairs and pulled up the website on my mom's computer when my niece started sort of crying, so my dad did a pass off to my mom. My dad asked for a hug and told me he loved me. I was still trying to fight back tears. Not because my dad and I were having a touching moment; he and I don't have touching moments.

He asked me if everything was going well at work and in my life. I said everything was fine. He said, "Hey!" and stopped me again to ask me the same question. I repeated that everything was fine. And still he stopped me again to ask how everything was going. I told him that I was fine and I didn't need him asking three effing times.

A week ago he was so happy with how transparent I've been while living at home. Now he's super concerned about my well being. I don't belong here. I just feel so trapped.

It's snowing outside. I want to be festive. I want to be in the Christmas spirit. I want to be happy, but I can't stop my face from leaking. It's like nothing is right, right now. I don't think it ever will be.

Unexpected Rain

It was raining from my eyes unexpectedly tonight.

My mom and I were talking about the holidays and what we were getting for my sister and her husband. I opened the door to my room and told her I hoped she hadn't bought me anything above and beyond the sweaters we had picked out together. She sort of hesitated, but said no. And then she asked why.

"Because I don't really want anything else." I replied.

And then I closed my door and said, "I just want to be happy," at which point I also started crying.

I don't know why... Stage one of depression, I suppose.

Not to mention someone at work noticed and said, "Hey, what's wrong? You're not your usual bubbly self today." Hate to break it kids, but I'm not always bubbly. I've got so much baggage, so many skeletons in my closet that I don't always have the strength to be happy all the time.

At this very moment, all I have going for me is this last chocolate chip coconut cookie...

Whoops

Instead of being vainglorious, I was going to write about a topic that everyone could relate to. A topic that in some shape or another, every person has thought about or considered or wondered about.

Alas, I forgot what that topic was about. Help a sister out and give me some ideas.

And So Begins the Beginning of the End...

Tonight I made a new decision. Actually, I made this decision a long time ago. Finally I acted upon it. I've got about two and a half years before I turn 30. Everything about my life is going to change before then. Wish me luck on this new journey... I'll need it...

Come Again?

I need to reevaluate my choices as of late. I don't really want to talk about it right now... Maybe soon. Maybe never. I just know I need change...