And So Begins the Beginning of the End...

Tonight I made a new decision. Actually, I made this decision a long time ago. Finally I acted upon it. I've got about two and a half years before I turn 30. Everything about my life is going to change before then. Wish me luck on this new journey... I'll need it...

Wants and Needs... The "Coulda", "Woulda", and "Shoulda"s

I am really tired of being used. I must do it to myself though. And that's the sad part. I don't know how to get out of it...

I feel like I keep reconnecting with these great people and I let my heart open to them and they destroy it. I'm not just talking about romantic relationships. I'm even talking about friendships. When will I stop allowing people to walk all over me? When will I finally be happy with who I am and who I surround myself with? If I'm so unsatisfied, how come I don't just change it?

I'm fairly certain I know what I want. I sure know a lot of things I don't want... And what's funny is I keep finding myself around people who have things I don't want... What's funnier still is I know the motives of those I'm allowing myself to spend my time with, and neither of us are on the same page.

In the beginning, I told myself that I would give things a chance. See where things could go. Not a lot of time has passed, and while I still enjoy our friendship, I know I don't want anything more. This has happened with two people I've reconnected with. I spent time with a third friend and apparently he doesn't want the friendship because he hasn't contacted me since we last saw each other. I'm frustrated the way it happened, but for some reason I'm ok with it. One of those I should have known better moments...

The final friendship is the one that hurts the most. Here's why. I've previously had very close relationships with him. I enjoy going out to our common interests. I get along well with his friends. I still go out to our common interests in hopes of seeing him. And I do see him. But he's usually busy. I don't get to spend a lot of quality time with him, but I keep trying. I persevere. I couldn't tell you exactly why. I could probably be happier if I let it go... I don't see him making the same effort and that's something I need too is the want on his part to see me...

So what's making me hold on to this so hard? Am I missing out on other opportunities because I can't just forget? How would I be better off? The sad part is...I often wonder if I would be better off if I were just invisible...if I simply vanished and no one thought about me or worried about me or asked about me...and the reason for that is because most people don't anyway...

Life, Marriage, Children, Death

Today I have a mixed amalgam of emotions to share.

I've posted before about how I moved back to my hometown to live with my parents. That alone is difficult. Last week, my father told me I didn't need to live here. That hurt. Maybe I hurt him when I told him I was in a shitty place, but I meant emotionally. Everything I've been going through is difficult. Everything is a challenge and I'm wondering when my breaking point is going to be. But my own father told me I didn't need to live here. Y'know, I don't believe there's a single person on this earth who can empathize with what I'm currently going through. One friend told me he could empathize but not sympathize. I think he has them backwards. He has a lot of things he's currently dealing with, but none of them quite match up to what I'm going through.

I went to my cousin's bridal shower yesterday. That stung. A lot. Because I'm divorced. Because I have little hope of finding love like that again. Because my ex-husband is newly engaged. Because I wish I had that type of love again... And because of everything else I'm currently dealing with. I'm very happy for my cousin. I wish her all the very best. I welcomed her fiancé into the family. I made them personalized stationery. Although they have similar problems my marriage did, I want them to succeed so badly. But there were other little things that hurt about yesterday. My mom admitted to me that it wasn't the first time my father had said I don't need to live here. My other cousin stopped her responsibilities at the shower and my gift got overlooked so I don't know how she reacted when she opened it. My grandma confessed that she didn't know I had gotten married, that I was divorced and that I lived on the Iowa/Illinois border for 18 months. Yesterday was a day for a lot of depressing emotions.

Today I got to act as my sister's personal chauffeur. Seeing as she has a three week old baby girl, she's not allowed to drive. I jumped at the chance to take them out when she wanted to go to her work because I had high hopes that there would be eligible bachelors I could meet. Sadly none of them showed up to work today. But being there, with her and watching all of the people she knew dote upon her and my niece also really stung. And then we went to her husband's work. And more of that ensued. Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy for them. I couldn't be more happy. But this is what I'm talking about. I was at that point two years and a few months ago. But none of it was right for me because of who I was with. I'm jealous I guess. I was married first; I should have been having babies first. But it didn't happen that way. And I want to be married with a family so badly. It's sort of why my last two relationships were men who had children. It was the built in family. Let's not go into how much that failed on both accounts...

And now, it's nearly midnight on Sunday as I'm typing this. I found out earlier today that my best friend's grandpa passed away yesterday. I haven't seen my best friend in two weeks because he and I have both been so busy, but not for lack of trying on my part. I miss hanging out with him. I don't know how to tell him, but I want him to know that I will always be there for him. The best part about our friendship is that we hadn't seen each other in 8 years and we picked up as though it had been yesterday. We've known each other for 16 years and I don't know what I would do without him. He's been flooding my thoughts, day and night and I really do care very much about him. I wish he knew how much he truly means to me. His grandfather's passing reminds me to cherish every moment. To love deeply and to share love with others. Maybe I had better say something to him before I miss my opportunity...

Wish this Little Bird luck...