And So Begins the Beginning of the End...

Tonight I made a new decision. Actually, I made this decision a long time ago. Finally I acted upon it. I've got about two and a half years before I turn 30. Everything about my life is going to change before then. Wish me luck on this new journey... I'll need it...

Come Again?

I need to reevaluate my choices as of late. I don't really want to talk about it right now... Maybe soon. Maybe never. I just know I need change...

Never Good Enough

I've known this for a while and for some reason it never bothered me until just now: My ex-boyfriend, the drug addict, is back in a relationship with the woman he left for me.

While I'm glad that I'm not supporting his habit anymore, I find that it irritates me for a number of reasons. All the shit he talked about her and yet they remained close friends. He made me break all ties with the man I left for him. The man I left for him would never take me back in a heartbeat. He hated the way she treated his daughter.

I just don't get people sometimes. I know it shouldn't bother me. How come I keep making stupid mistakes when it comes to men? Maybe it's because I'm jealous that I wish I could reverse every choice I made with him and I had never left my boyfriend for him. Ray, I know you don't read this, and although I'm pretty sure I've moved on, I'm thinking about you. Maybe I really do miss you and I haven't moved on.

Just Remember, I'm the Bad Guy and Everything is My Fault

I got a phone call on Saturday at 3:08am, and also at 3:15am. I was spending time with another friend at the time. I called back at 3:46am and I didn't leave a voicemail. Monday night, I sent a text message at 10:47pm apologizing for missing the phone call and wishing him well.

Today I got a phone call at 4:32pm with an interesting voicemail. That his wife was upset I texted so late. I'm supposed to be getting an e-mail politely asking me to refrain from texting late at night.

But just remember. I'm the bad guy here. Everything is my fault. I guess I won't be phoning or texting him anymore. I'd rather leave the ball in his court, and whenever he's available to call or text, I will have to be right there waiting.

WTF?!

Don't Want to be Lonely. Or Blue. Or Green...

So I realize it's been nearly two weeks since I've posted and a lot has happened although it doesn't seem like much. Today, though, I find myself sitting home alone, wanting to contact a friend, wanting to go out, just longing for some better type of human connection... Because for some reason I feel so alone. And I shouldn't. Here's why:

Two weekends ago, I visited a friend in Chicago. It was a long drive for me, but I made it after work and I had a great time. We talked, we hung out, we went drinking. I went to his comedy show. All in all it was a great weekend. And he still wants me to continue visiting. He wants me to move out there, even! I would love to, but I don't know where my next path is supposed to take me...

Following that, I ran into a friend who has been in another state for the last month. He texted me late one night desperate to talk to me and find a time we could get together. I was baffled by this eagerness and need for me. We had only hung out one other time since I moved back and it was fun, but I didn't think I had made any kind of real impression. After having dinner a couple more times and hanging out though, he's acting like he can't live without me. As though every moment away from me is a missed opportunity...

Finally, a friend I haven't seen in 14 years and who I hadn't hung out with very much when we were kids contacted me to get together. We have hung out so often and with so many people and have so many more dates planned that I can't even begin to explain how excited I am! I enjoy his company and I enjoy hanging out with his friends and even the day we watched sports with his mom and her boyfriend. Just such fun times...

Yet here I am again, alone. It's not as though I haven't tried to hang out with these friends again. I know I will see them later this week, or next month. My problem is that emotionally I feel alone. And I have to be honest with myself. I don't see a romantic future with any of these men. And I know that's what each of them want. I don't know if I'm being stubborn and holding out for a certain special someone, or if I'm just being stubborn about being with anyone.

I went to a wedding on Friday. It was the worst experience I've had since I moved back. I hated it. I was late, which didn't raise my spirits any. Everyone was doting upon my niece and my cousin's two little ones. And the bride was gorgeous. She and her groom are so happy. And I was miserable. I am miserable. Everyone surrounding me are enjoying the things that I really want. And I'm every shade of green possible.

I don't want... I've just realized that I don't want anything. I can't keep living this life I'm living right now. I'm sick with nausea about what I'm doing with my life. I am so depressed and I can't keep doing this...

Wants and Needs... The "Coulda", "Woulda", and "Shoulda"s

I am really tired of being used. I must do it to myself though. And that's the sad part. I don't know how to get out of it...

I feel like I keep reconnecting with these great people and I let my heart open to them and they destroy it. I'm not just talking about romantic relationships. I'm even talking about friendships. When will I stop allowing people to walk all over me? When will I finally be happy with who I am and who I surround myself with? If I'm so unsatisfied, how come I don't just change it?

I'm fairly certain I know what I want. I sure know a lot of things I don't want... And what's funny is I keep finding myself around people who have things I don't want... What's funnier still is I know the motives of those I'm allowing myself to spend my time with, and neither of us are on the same page.

In the beginning, I told myself that I would give things a chance. See where things could go. Not a lot of time has passed, and while I still enjoy our friendship, I know I don't want anything more. This has happened with two people I've reconnected with. I spent time with a third friend and apparently he doesn't want the friendship because he hasn't contacted me since we last saw each other. I'm frustrated the way it happened, but for some reason I'm ok with it. One of those I should have known better moments...

The final friendship is the one that hurts the most. Here's why. I've previously had very close relationships with him. I enjoy going out to our common interests. I get along well with his friends. I still go out to our common interests in hopes of seeing him. And I do see him. But he's usually busy. I don't get to spend a lot of quality time with him, but I keep trying. I persevere. I couldn't tell you exactly why. I could probably be happier if I let it go... I don't see him making the same effort and that's something I need too is the want on his part to see me...

So what's making me hold on to this so hard? Am I missing out on other opportunities because I can't just forget? How would I be better off? The sad part is...I often wonder if I would be better off if I were just invisible...if I simply vanished and no one thought about me or worried about me or asked about me...and the reason for that is because most people don't anyway...