So I realize it's been nearly two weeks since I've posted and a lot has happened although it doesn't seem like much. Today, though, I find myself sitting home alone, wanting to contact a friend, wanting to go out, just longing for some better type of human connection... Because for some reason I feel so alone. And I shouldn't. Here's why:
Two weekends ago, I visited a friend in Chicago. It was a long drive for me, but I made it after work and I had a great time. We talked, we hung out, we went drinking. I went to his comedy show. All in all it was a great weekend. And he still wants me to continue visiting. He wants me to move out there, even! I would love to, but I don't know where my next path is supposed to take me...
Following that, I ran into a friend who has been in another state for the last month. He texted me late one night desperate to talk to me and find a time we could get together. I was baffled by this eagerness and need for me. We had only hung out one other time since I moved back and it was fun, but I didn't think I had made any kind of real impression. After having dinner a couple more times and hanging out though, he's acting like he can't live without me. As though every moment away from me is a missed opportunity...
Finally, a friend I haven't seen in 14 years and who I hadn't hung out with very much when we were kids contacted me to get together. We have hung out so often and with so many people and have so many more dates planned that I can't even begin to explain how excited I am! I enjoy his company and I enjoy hanging out with his friends and even the day we watched sports with his mom and her boyfriend. Just such fun times...
Yet here I am again, alone. It's not as though I haven't tried to hang out with these friends again. I know I will see them later this week, or next month. My problem is that emotionally I feel alone. And I have to be honest with myself. I don't see a romantic future with any of these men. And I know that's what each of them want. I don't know if I'm being stubborn and holding out for a certain special someone, or if I'm just being stubborn about being with anyone.
I went to a wedding on Friday. It was the worst experience I've had since I moved back. I hated it. I was late, which didn't raise my spirits any. Everyone was doting upon my niece and my cousin's two little ones. And the bride was gorgeous. She and her groom are so happy. And I was miserable. I am miserable. Everyone surrounding me are enjoying the things that I really want. And I'm every shade of green possible.
I don't want... I've just realized that I don't want anything. I can't keep living this life I'm living right now. I'm sick with nausea about what I'm doing with my life. I am so depressed and I can't keep doing this...
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