Overwhelming

Earlier this week, my mom asked me if I could help her babysit my niece today. I responded that it shouldn't be a problem. And yet this morning has come and I woke up late, after having had weird dreams (that I don't remember this time), with little to no motivation. I didn't feel depressed. I didn't feel unhappy. I guess I just didn't feel...

And so, I walked downstairs to be with my family to see my dad crouched over my niece playing with her. My mom was standing watching. And I couldn't contain myself. I just wanted to cry. I went to go back upstairs because I had forgotten my phone and laptop and wanted them handy. My mom stopped me on the stairs and started asking me questions about some work pants I needed.

I held back my tears, dried what little had already left my eyes, finished the conversation and went back upstairs. I returned downstairs and pulled up the website on my mom's computer when my niece started sort of crying, so my dad did a pass off to my mom. My dad asked for a hug and told me he loved me. I was still trying to fight back tears. Not because my dad and I were having a touching moment; he and I don't have touching moments.

He asked me if everything was going well at work and in my life. I said everything was fine. He said, "Hey!" and stopped me again to ask me the same question. I repeated that everything was fine. And still he stopped me again to ask how everything was going. I told him that I was fine and I didn't need him asking three effing times.

A week ago he was so happy with how transparent I've been while living at home. Now he's super concerned about my well being. I don't belong here. I just feel so trapped.

It's snowing outside. I want to be festive. I want to be in the Christmas spirit. I want to be happy, but I can't stop my face from leaking. It's like nothing is right, right now. I don't think it ever will be.

Unexpected Rain

It was raining from my eyes unexpectedly tonight.

My mom and I were talking about the holidays and what we were getting for my sister and her husband. I opened the door to my room and told her I hoped she hadn't bought me anything above and beyond the sweaters we had picked out together. She sort of hesitated, but said no. And then she asked why.

"Because I don't really want anything else." I replied.

And then I closed my door and said, "I just want to be happy," at which point I also started crying.

I don't know why... Stage one of depression, I suppose.

Not to mention someone at work noticed and said, "Hey, what's wrong? You're not your usual bubbly self today." Hate to break it kids, but I'm not always bubbly. I've got so much baggage, so many skeletons in my closet that I don't always have the strength to be happy all the time.

At this very moment, all I have going for me is this last chocolate chip coconut cookie...

Whoops

Instead of being vainglorious, I was going to write about a topic that everyone could relate to. A topic that in some shape or another, every person has thought about or considered or wondered about.

Alas, I forgot what that topic was about. Help a sister out and give me some ideas.

And So Begins the Beginning of the End...

Tonight I made a new decision. Actually, I made this decision a long time ago. Finally I acted upon it. I've got about two and a half years before I turn 30. Everything about my life is going to change before then. Wish me luck on this new journey... I'll need it...

Come Again?

I need to reevaluate my choices as of late. I don't really want to talk about it right now... Maybe soon. Maybe never. I just know I need change...

Never Good Enough

I've known this for a while and for some reason it never bothered me until just now: My ex-boyfriend, the drug addict, is back in a relationship with the woman he left for me.

While I'm glad that I'm not supporting his habit anymore, I find that it irritates me for a number of reasons. All the shit he talked about her and yet they remained close friends. He made me break all ties with the man I left for him. The man I left for him would never take me back in a heartbeat. He hated the way she treated his daughter.

I just don't get people sometimes. I know it shouldn't bother me. How come I keep making stupid mistakes when it comes to men? Maybe it's because I'm jealous that I wish I could reverse every choice I made with him and I had never left my boyfriend for him. Ray, I know you don't read this, and although I'm pretty sure I've moved on, I'm thinking about you. Maybe I really do miss you and I haven't moved on.

Just Remember, I'm the Bad Guy and Everything is My Fault

I got a phone call on Saturday at 3:08am, and also at 3:15am. I was spending time with another friend at the time. I called back at 3:46am and I didn't leave a voicemail. Monday night, I sent a text message at 10:47pm apologizing for missing the phone call and wishing him well.

Today I got a phone call at 4:32pm with an interesting voicemail. That his wife was upset I texted so late. I'm supposed to be getting an e-mail politely asking me to refrain from texting late at night.

But just remember. I'm the bad guy here. Everything is my fault. I guess I won't be phoning or texting him anymore. I'd rather leave the ball in his court, and whenever he's available to call or text, I will have to be right there waiting.

WTF?!

Don't Want to be Lonely. Or Blue. Or Green...

So I realize it's been nearly two weeks since I've posted and a lot has happened although it doesn't seem like much. Today, though, I find myself sitting home alone, wanting to contact a friend, wanting to go out, just longing for some better type of human connection... Because for some reason I feel so alone. And I shouldn't. Here's why:

Two weekends ago, I visited a friend in Chicago. It was a long drive for me, but I made it after work and I had a great time. We talked, we hung out, we went drinking. I went to his comedy show. All in all it was a great weekend. And he still wants me to continue visiting. He wants me to move out there, even! I would love to, but I don't know where my next path is supposed to take me...

Following that, I ran into a friend who has been in another state for the last month. He texted me late one night desperate to talk to me and find a time we could get together. I was baffled by this eagerness and need for me. We had only hung out one other time since I moved back and it was fun, but I didn't think I had made any kind of real impression. After having dinner a couple more times and hanging out though, he's acting like he can't live without me. As though every moment away from me is a missed opportunity...

Finally, a friend I haven't seen in 14 years and who I hadn't hung out with very much when we were kids contacted me to get together. We have hung out so often and with so many people and have so many more dates planned that I can't even begin to explain how excited I am! I enjoy his company and I enjoy hanging out with his friends and even the day we watched sports with his mom and her boyfriend. Just such fun times...

Yet here I am again, alone. It's not as though I haven't tried to hang out with these friends again. I know I will see them later this week, or next month. My problem is that emotionally I feel alone. And I have to be honest with myself. I don't see a romantic future with any of these men. And I know that's what each of them want. I don't know if I'm being stubborn and holding out for a certain special someone, or if I'm just being stubborn about being with anyone.

I went to a wedding on Friday. It was the worst experience I've had since I moved back. I hated it. I was late, which didn't raise my spirits any. Everyone was doting upon my niece and my cousin's two little ones. And the bride was gorgeous. She and her groom are so happy. And I was miserable. I am miserable. Everyone surrounding me are enjoying the things that I really want. And I'm every shade of green possible.

I don't want... I've just realized that I don't want anything. I can't keep living this life I'm living right now. I'm sick with nausea about what I'm doing with my life. I am so depressed and I can't keep doing this...

Wants and Needs... The "Coulda", "Woulda", and "Shoulda"s

I am really tired of being used. I must do it to myself though. And that's the sad part. I don't know how to get out of it...

I feel like I keep reconnecting with these great people and I let my heart open to them and they destroy it. I'm not just talking about romantic relationships. I'm even talking about friendships. When will I stop allowing people to walk all over me? When will I finally be happy with who I am and who I surround myself with? If I'm so unsatisfied, how come I don't just change it?

I'm fairly certain I know what I want. I sure know a lot of things I don't want... And what's funny is I keep finding myself around people who have things I don't want... What's funnier still is I know the motives of those I'm allowing myself to spend my time with, and neither of us are on the same page.

In the beginning, I told myself that I would give things a chance. See where things could go. Not a lot of time has passed, and while I still enjoy our friendship, I know I don't want anything more. This has happened with two people I've reconnected with. I spent time with a third friend and apparently he doesn't want the friendship because he hasn't contacted me since we last saw each other. I'm frustrated the way it happened, but for some reason I'm ok with it. One of those I should have known better moments...

The final friendship is the one that hurts the most. Here's why. I've previously had very close relationships with him. I enjoy going out to our common interests. I get along well with his friends. I still go out to our common interests in hopes of seeing him. And I do see him. But he's usually busy. I don't get to spend a lot of quality time with him, but I keep trying. I persevere. I couldn't tell you exactly why. I could probably be happier if I let it go... I don't see him making the same effort and that's something I need too is the want on his part to see me...

So what's making me hold on to this so hard? Am I missing out on other opportunities because I can't just forget? How would I be better off? The sad part is...I often wonder if I would be better off if I were just invisible...if I simply vanished and no one thought about me or worried about me or asked about me...and the reason for that is because most people don't anyway...

Life, Marriage, Children, Death

Today I have a mixed amalgam of emotions to share.

I've posted before about how I moved back to my hometown to live with my parents. That alone is difficult. Last week, my father told me I didn't need to live here. That hurt. Maybe I hurt him when I told him I was in a shitty place, but I meant emotionally. Everything I've been going through is difficult. Everything is a challenge and I'm wondering when my breaking point is going to be. But my own father told me I didn't need to live here. Y'know, I don't believe there's a single person on this earth who can empathize with what I'm currently going through. One friend told me he could empathize but not sympathize. I think he has them backwards. He has a lot of things he's currently dealing with, but none of them quite match up to what I'm going through.

I went to my cousin's bridal shower yesterday. That stung. A lot. Because I'm divorced. Because I have little hope of finding love like that again. Because my ex-husband is newly engaged. Because I wish I had that type of love again... And because of everything else I'm currently dealing with. I'm very happy for my cousin. I wish her all the very best. I welcomed her fiancé into the family. I made them personalized stationery. Although they have similar problems my marriage did, I want them to succeed so badly. But there were other little things that hurt about yesterday. My mom admitted to me that it wasn't the first time my father had said I don't need to live here. My other cousin stopped her responsibilities at the shower and my gift got overlooked so I don't know how she reacted when she opened it. My grandma confessed that she didn't know I had gotten married, that I was divorced and that I lived on the Iowa/Illinois border for 18 months. Yesterday was a day for a lot of depressing emotions.

Today I got to act as my sister's personal chauffeur. Seeing as she has a three week old baby girl, she's not allowed to drive. I jumped at the chance to take them out when she wanted to go to her work because I had high hopes that there would be eligible bachelors I could meet. Sadly none of them showed up to work today. But being there, with her and watching all of the people she knew dote upon her and my niece also really stung. And then we went to her husband's work. And more of that ensued. Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy for them. I couldn't be more happy. But this is what I'm talking about. I was at that point two years and a few months ago. But none of it was right for me because of who I was with. I'm jealous I guess. I was married first; I should have been having babies first. But it didn't happen that way. And I want to be married with a family so badly. It's sort of why my last two relationships were men who had children. It was the built in family. Let's not go into how much that failed on both accounts...

And now, it's nearly midnight on Sunday as I'm typing this. I found out earlier today that my best friend's grandpa passed away yesterday. I haven't seen my best friend in two weeks because he and I have both been so busy, but not for lack of trying on my part. I miss hanging out with him. I don't know how to tell him, but I want him to know that I will always be there for him. The best part about our friendship is that we hadn't seen each other in 8 years and we picked up as though it had been yesterday. We've known each other for 16 years and I don't know what I would do without him. He's been flooding my thoughts, day and night and I really do care very much about him. I wish he knew how much he truly means to me. His grandfather's passing reminds me to cherish every moment. To love deeply and to share love with others. Maybe I had better say something to him before I miss my opportunity...

Wish this Little Bird luck...

Tick Tock Time

Background: I graduated from high school 9 years ago. I moved two hours away and went to University. During the summers, I worked in a different state. Nearing the end of my college career, I met my husband and we moved in together and I got a job for a magazine. Following my divorce, I found a new job two more states away and left again. 9 years later (and 16 moves later), I'm living with my parents again.

So I've been away from my parents for 9 years. I haven't had anyone telling me what to do or any outside rules for 9 years. I've cooked food for myself in 16 different places and haven't had to schedule time in the bathroom or for laundry in 16 different places.

Imagine being that independent for so long and not having to rely on anyone for a roof over my head. So I've been forced to move back in with my parents. And I'm near miserable. I don't know what I'm going to do the next two days since I have the days off. My dad keeps making weird jokes, telling weird stories, assuming I know things about crap I don't care about, mentioning things in a conversation that have nothing to do with what's going on or what we're talking about. And ever since I moved back 4 weeks ago, I've felt like he doesn't want me here.

I've got all these internal clocks going off. Especially since my divorce. Here goes:

• Becoming financially stable
• Saving extra money
• Moving into my own apartment (or possibly with a roommate; still considering that)
• Finding a husband
• Starting a family

And I feel very behind on all of this. It's like I wasted the last 9 years. Or at least 6 (going on 7, since I met my first husband). Part of the reason I left my ex-husband is because I wanted to start a family and he wasn't mature enough to be a father and I didn't want his parents to be my child's grandparents. He just wasn't at the same place. And I've had to start over with everything. I feel so hopeless about everything. So tick tock goes my clock, waiting for everything to finally fall into place for me...

Dinner for One

There is a challenge in cooking for two, or four or even four hundred. There's a bigger challenge in cooking for one. I've never been good at it; I often make too much and then I don't eat the leftovers. A challenge I've put upon myself is to cook dinner for me and my parents once a week. And I've been experimenting...that's the most fun part! Yes, while I'm cooking for three, I'm trying to find ways that I can incorporate this while I'm living on my own again. Currently, I'm not seeing anyone and I have found that I need to be able to support myself alone again. Working on it...

So! Want to know what I made and how I made it? Yum...Let's go!

Late last night I was thinking about what I hoped to make tonight and I asked Mom to pick up some tortilla chips, taco sauce and ground beef. I planned to do a mac and cheese bake with the taco meat on a layer of crumbled tortilla chips with more crumbled chips on top. When I got home from work, she was at her Sorority meeting and my dad was no where to be found. I called my dad to find out if he was coming home and got his voicemail. Would it be dinner for one again? I found the groceries on the table, only I couldn't find the taco sauce. Would it matter if my dad came home? A thousand thoughts flooded my mind as to whether I should give up (I was exhausted, I could have gone to bed right when I got home) or whether I should check what was in the pantries and cupboards to make a new recipe on the fly.

I looked through about seven cabinets, plus the fridge and finally decided on a couple of things. I still wasn't sure if he was coming home, and I didn't have the white rice I wanted to make, so I called my sister (I wanted Sweet & Sour sauce too because I wanted to make a variation on Chinese Sweet & Sour Chicken) and stopped at her place to get some rice. Sadly, she didn't have any Sweet & Sour sauce, but I found Wildtree's Wicked Slow Cooker sauce in the cabinet earlier and was going to give that a shot.

I had two breasts of chicken in the fridge, a can of green beans, the white rice from my sister, a bag of Shake & Bake and that Slow Cooker sauce. I made the green beans and the rice while I poked holes in my chicken and dipped it in the sauce before breading it in the Shake & Bake.

Bake, boil and butter later, I had this:

I didn't bother to take a photo of my dad's plate after I plated the meals because he eats such small portions, so this is mine. I was in a food coma after this. Dad even loved it. Which I was impressed with - finally something good about me coming out of his mouth...

I thought I overdid the green beans and the rice. But that's ok, there's always next time. Although the sauce was recommended for pork in the slow cooker, this as a quick marinade turned out great. The chicken was so juicy and tender that I about died. So good...

Check back later for my other recipes. I have to pick up last week's and then there are two more I made too. I might even add a page for it.

Loves,
Cooking Bird

Newborn Bird

This is not my first blog. This is not my first journal entry.

This is the first time for me for a lot of things, however. I haven't "blogged" in a very long while. This is my attempt to start anew. The theme is a little cheesy right now, I know, but bear with me. I'm starting a new chapter (of many) and I'm trying to start fresh. This is going to be good for me.

Three weeks and four or five days ago, I moved far away from where I called home. I moved back home with my parents. I'm close to thirty. It doesn't feel great, as most things don't when you've lived on your own for 9 years and have been going through a lot of changes. So I'm dealing with it. I'm dealing with an evil cat who thinks the house is hers. I spent a week searching for jobs and found one and today was my first day. For the last three weeks and four or five days, I've been spending time catching up with old friends, helping out my sister and her husband with their new bundle of joy, and becoming friends with my mom.

So I'm in a place I once called "home." And until recently, I could only call it "the destination." But there are a fair amount of things that are helping with that. I've seen four of my own friends, and several of my sister's since I've been back. The time with my friends has been the most cherished and most valued. It showed me a lot of what I had been missing. And I'm so grateful to have them back in my life. Another major change for me is the relationship I'm building with my mom. Before, I was always "Daddy's Little Girl" and my mom and I never really got along. But now, it seems so different. She's more like a friend and a confidant than she is my mother. Don't get me wrong, I don't share everything with her, but I can definitely talk to her more comfortably than I used to. My dad and I are a completely different story. His cat ranks higher in the family than I do now that I'm home.

And today I started my new job. The first full week I was back I put out about 30 applications. I averaged five or six apps a day, which was awesome. And I got a really great job, in a field where I can enhance my hobby of graphic design. It was a very busy day! I learned a ton of new things and I think I'm going to get the hang of things rather quickly. I'm really excited for it. Full time, great benefits, how could I complain?

Wednesday is my turn to make family dinner, and I've got a new recipe up my sleeve for tomorrow. Look for a post tomorrow of how everything turned out. :) I'll also post photos and notes of previous dinners I've made just so you can see how I've dabbled. Plus, maybe I'll give you a little more insight on the special people in my life and what it's like coming back not knowing what to expect. ;)

Kisses, New Bird